As Long As I Know Who I Am
by cheney
Summary: Which Lily doesn't. Never has, in fact. A story in which there is much mocking of some...interesting...people on a messageboard I go to. Enjoyable even though you don't know them, I assure you. Treasure Planet/LBMB.
1. Why the Crap Won't the Page Load?

WARNING: Shameless mocking of a synopsis I already read. It reminded me of some people, and I thought "Hey, I could do that better." So I did.  
  
Disclaimer: Any resemblance to any persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Any resemblance to fictional movie characters is possible but highly unlikely. Any resemblance to fake personas is intended, because...hey, they're fake. This is not meant to butcher the book. It is meant to lovingly butcher the movie, and then my sequel. And the LB board. Always the board.  
  
Synopsis: A girl called Lillian gets stranded on Treasure Planet- with no way on how to get off. So, she lives there for 6 years before a ride back home by a stranger called Jim Hawkins. They feel an instant attraction between each other, but will some enemy pirate (here the synopsis ends, so I've made up the rest) destroy the Mary Sue before they can find TRUUUUUUE LUV?  
  
Chapter One, or Why the Crap Won't the Page Load?  
  
The girl was called Lillian, and the boy - the STRANGER - was called Jim Hawkins, but they both were leading miserable, lonesome lives, as they never called each other. Lillian, as she had been called for a good week at least, was sitting alone somewhere on Treasure Planet. She had been sitting there for quite some time, since it had been decreed that she had "no way on how to get off."  
  
She heaved a sigh laden with adolescent longing for social interaction and reached for her book. It was her favorite, and she had already read it ten times since being stranded. (She was a slow reader, bless her heart). The book was called "1001 Baby Names" and she found herself intrigued and fascinated by the possibilities. She had also been stranded with two other items - her magnetic bracelet given to her by her second cousin-once- removed as a souvenir for having his baby, and a small television set, but the antenna had been damaged in the crash that the author just decided was the reason for her strandedness. The television station only picked up one channel clearly - Soap Net, the 24 hour a day soap opera network.  
  
This was how Lillian (Lily to her imaginary friends) had spent the past six years. She would read a bit in her book, and tune into Soap Net to watch the latest dramatic happenings in the lives of the characters. She did this every day, and it was a horribly boring thing to narrate, and so we shall simply state that she continued doing it right up until the end of Chapter One. 


	2. I Could Probably be Studying but it Bore...

Chapter Two, or I Could Probably Be Studying but it Bores Me  
  
Jim Hawkins had landed on Treasure Planet with the sole purpose of offering some poor, helpless individual a ride back home. How he knew this would happen was up for debate, although the current rumor involved the words "the Force."  
  
The Force was proving useless at the moment, however, as he wandered around aimlessly, finding no one.  
  
"BLAST IT! There's supposed to be some lame teenage girl here writing herself into the story so we can fall in love - er, luuuuuuv, and live happily ever after!" Jim was perturbed. The plot was advancing extremely slowly, and he was bored. He picked up a nearby tree branch and began practicing his golf swing. After all, the infomercial had promised that the magnetic bracelet (for only $19.95) would improve his golf game. Granted, he'd never golfed. But it was worth a try.  
  
Suddenly, Jim was thrown forward by Nothing. Nothing grabbed him and dragged him across the ground, until he finally slammed to a stop in front of a girl, his wrist inexplicably bound to hers.  
  
Jim stared as various thoughts flitted about in his head, all of them whispering "Mary Sue..."  
  
The girl, as the reader can guess, was Lillian. The collision had shocked her so that she dropped her baby name book, which was now lying face down on the ground. She nervously bit her lip. "My name is..." Hesitation. "My name...ummm...I'm..." She seemed deep in thought.  
  
"Your name...?" Jim prompted.  
  
"Is...Hannah!" she blurted finally, arriving at a conclusion. "My name is Hannah. Hannah Bull. And I'm engaged to a rich Austrailian king, but I'm madly in love with the cunning and devious bank robber who kidnapped me while I was cashing the child support check from the pastor whose baby I had when I was eight--"  
  
The author snickered, but at confused looks from both Jim and Lillian, she shut up.  
  
"WILL YOU BE MY FRIEND?!" she finished dramatically, holding the bracelet- clad arm aloft and dragging Jim's arm with it. "LOOK! CAN'T YOU SEE WE'RE ATTRACTED TO EACH OTHER? It's MEANT TO BE!"  
  
"I don't KNOW you," he sputtered. "Besides, what would Axvy think?"  
  
"You don't know him either," the author whispered quickly.  
  
"Oh, I don't know him either. But I really don't know you. Why am I stuck to your wrist?"  
  
"When I was three, I was a Russian princess. I'm really the lost princess Anastasia, and I was given a Magical Princess Bracelet so that I would always know that I am a Magical Princess from the Magic Other Place."  
  
"I thought you said you were from Russia," Jim pointed out, still back at the beginning of the paragraph.  
  
She suddenly grew furious, her face turning an odd shade of red. "ARE YOU SAYING THAT I'M LYING?!" she roared, and tried to jerk her hand from his. It did nothing but cause Jim to trip, which in turn knocked Lillian-Hannah- Anastasia off of her feet. She glowered. He glared.  
  
"Why," he said slowly, since she was having a difficult time answering questions asked to her, "am I stuck to your wrist?"  
  
"My bracelet OBVIOUSLY attracts others like it," she snapped haughtily.  
  
There was silence as Jim pondered the implications of this. There was more silence. Silence dragged on.  
  
Suddenly, in a moment of delayed realization, Jim exclaimed, "ARE YOU SAYING I'M A MAGIC PRINCESS?!"  
  
Thus ended Chapter Two. 


	3. I'm Really Sick of Ramen but What Can I ...

Chapter Three, or I'm Really Sick of Ramen but What Can I Do?  
  
Lillian-Hannah stared at the bracelet angrily as she had done for the past two hours, as if her gaze alone could break the magnetic attraction. Jim was asleep -- as far away from her as he could manage with their wrists stuck together -- having finally been rendered unconscious by Lillian's ceaseless ramblings about her dramatic life. Occasionally he would stir and mutter something incoherant along the lines of "Evil Elms fangirls...NOOOOO!" Aside from this, all was peaceful. Lillian sighed, lost and useless without an audience. Noticing her book within reach, she picked it up and began to read. She was halfway through the L's when a loud crash shook the forest.  
  
Jim screamed and sat up to find himself staring at Lillian. He screamed again. It didn't help, she was still there.  
  
"Hi," she said brightly. "I'm new. My name is Lizzie!"  
  
"You just told me your name was Hannah!" he retorted, extremely irritated at waking up to find this THING still attached to his wrist.  
  
Lillian-Hannah-Lizzie ignored this information and threw her arms around his neck. "There was a crash, I'm scared, it reminds me of the time I died in a car wreck, will you be my friend?" She gazed up at him pitifully.  
  
"NO," he said emphatically, prying her arms loose. "Now shut up so we can go see what the crash was and get on with the story." He stalked off in the direction of the crash. Lillian planned on staying and sulking right where she was, but she was suddenly dragged along, due to the attraction between the bracelets.  
  
As she stumbled along behind him, Lillian managed to continue rambling. "Did I ever tell you about the time I was engaged to a Chinese emperor? My fiance broke up with me, don't you feel sorry for me now?"  
  
"No," Jim said shortly.  
  
"I was only nine, and he said he loved me, and we were going to be married," she elaborated.  
  
"I thought you were engaged to your pastor at age nine," he muttered, not stopping to look at her.  
  
"That was when I was EIGHT, and we were never engaged," she said indignantly. "I had his baby, that's all. There was nothing between us."  
  
"Maybe that was the problem..."  
  
"WHAT?"  
  
"Nothing. This is getting too risque for the Kids forum. Look, a large spaceship has crashed. Imagine that. Why don't we go find out who it is." Lillian had no choice, she was cemented to his wrist. And so they went.  
  
Jim peered into the door of the spaceship and called in his best imitation of Claire imitating Matt Seymour (which was pretty good, truth be told), "HEL-LO EVERY-BO-DY. ARE YOU IN THERE?"  
  
"I'd rather be playing CRICKET," a haughty voice announced from the inside of the spacecraft. A moment passed in which the voice expected someone to inquire about the game of cricket, but much to his dismay, no one did.  
  
"May I take that as a yes?" Jim called to him.  
  
"Remind me to write about this crash IN MY BOOK BECAUSE I AM WRITING ONE!" the voice shouted at no one in particular, and it climbed out of the spaceship, bringing two people with it. One of them belonged to the voice, and the other was a girl dressed entirely in camoflauge.  
  
"HI!" Lillian called, suddenly cheerier at seeing two new people who could pay attention to her. "My name's Beth, and I'm a poor orphan from a third world country!"  
  
"YOU SAID YOU WERE A RICH RUSSIAN PRINCESS!" Jim exclaimed, still not catching on to the whole pathological-liar bit.  
  
The girl in camoflauge glared at Jim, trying to look threatening. She opened her mouth and angrily mouthed something at him. No sound came out.  
  
"What?"  
  
More lip movements. Glaring. Angry eyes.  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
Again, the same.  
  
"FOR WHY DO NOT YOU SPEAK AUDIBLY?!" he exploded.  
  
"Maybe because you're too STUPID to read her lips!" The second person, a boy to whom the first voice belonged, finally spoke up. "No one in my book is as stupid as you."  
  
"Dude, what is up with you and this freaking book complex?!" Jim demanded, growing increasingly perturbed at being thrown into the increasingly disturbing story. "Why are all of you extremely neurotic? She has ten million different personalities, that weird girl trying to blend in with the background doesn't even speak so people can here her, and all you can talk about is some stupid book! SOMEONE - MAKE - SENSE!" He was hyperventilating, and this tirade had been delivered with a complete assortment of frustrated gestures, nearly pulling Lillian's arm out of socket.  
  
"Would you STOP ranting like that?" she snapped. "You're going to reinjure the elbow I hurt while playing Quidditch when I starred in the Harry Potter movie!"  
  
"Harry Potter is STUPID," the boy from the spaceship blurted. "It's stupid and evil and it was too childish for me when I was three months old. Now, when I write MY book--"  
  
"NO!" Jim YELLED. "SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR BLOODY BOOK!"  
  
The camoflauged girl invisibly made a face at him and shouted back some childish insult, which no one was able to hear. Jim ignored her, because he was unable to help it.  
  
"You're right," Lillian said sadly, looking hopelessly repentant. "I lied about the movie. Harry Potter is stupid. I know you won't trust me, and you have no reason to. I just wanted you to like me." She sniffled.  
  
"Why don't you tell us everything else you lie--" Jim Hawkins began, but was interrupted by the Spaceship Boy.  
  
"There, there. It's okay that you lied about everything. He's just being a jerk to you because he's a stupid loser who needs to die a horrible, brutal death at my hands. He needs to learn to be forgiving and loving."  
  
Jim pondered this, got lost in the hypocrisy, and gave up trying. 


	4. TLC Isn't Just Tender Loving Care, it's ...

Chapter Four - TLC Isn't Just Tender Loving Care, it's Therapuetic Lifestyle Changes!  
  
"That's funny," Jim said out of the blue. "I thought it was The Learning Channel!"  
  
Enough of this prattle.  
  
"Okay."  
  
And so the plot (or lack thereof) continued - featuring a DRAMATIC chapter intro and illustration by the famous Mikey!  
  
***DRAMATIC CHAPTER INTRO!***  
  
High above the sky sat a big apple pie that had HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH hopes.  
  
The author quickly took control of her hands and brain who had decided to go on strike.  
  
High above the sky in a magical pirate-y boat sat Larry, Pa Grape and some other random vegetable. Along with Relient K, of course. They sang "The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything" to give the story a musical quality, then got sucked away into the black hole.  
  
High above the sky in a very evil looking Darth Doughnut (See: ). Yes, that Darth Doughnut. A giant doughnut looking ship that hung in the sky right next to the gray looking blob that the creatures Gjhtiworwh called home. The Darth Doughnut housed the dreaded Evil Mutated Alien Pirate-y But Still Oh So Nazi Sheep. (Called the Nazi Sheep for short.)  
  
These dreaded Nazi Sheep were horrid. They were white, fluffy fluffs of wool with spots of green throughout to add to the whole mutant effect. A patch lay over one eye. The dreaded Nazi Sheep wore their wool in dreadlocks because the author thought sheep would dreadlocks would be a rather amusing sight. On one shoulder sat a PARROT...no scratch that. BREAKING NEWS- there are no parrots on the Darth Doughnut. On one shoulder sat a penguin.  
  
The author is content with the description. The plot can now enter.  
  
***DRAMATIC CHAPTER INTRO OVER!***  
  
Meanwhile, back on Treasure Planet, our characters were subject to a 504 Gateway Error that had them all in a bit of a panic.  
  
"You know, that'll just mess up your day," Jim muttered. "Not that...being handcuffed to a whiny teenybopper with an identity crisis DOESN'T...but...yeah." The thought was going nowhere, so he tried to extricate himself from it with as much grace as was possible. (Not much was, it was rather like falling down the stairs - which is highly recommended, I may add).  
  
He was ignored, not entirely unlike the silent yelling girl. Lillian and the boy were staring deep into each others' eyes.  
  
"I...I'm Axver," the boy stuttered shyly, in a manner that would have been endering for anyone else but ended up as stupid coming from him.  
  
"My name is Raven," she said. "I'm a Japanese Empress. I have eight sisters, but one drowned herself in the swimming pool."  
  
Axver leaned closer to Lillian. "That's...terrible," he said. "I'll make sure nothing that terrible happens in my book. Nothing that terrible ever happens in Australia, either," he added arrogantly, hoping someone would inquire about his nationality.  
  
Lillian stared deep into his beady little eyes. Their lips were nearly touching --  
  
Suddenly there was a horrible sound, like that of a glob of doughnut icing with sprinkles hitting a planet at Very High Speeds. (My metaphors are nothing if not accurate). Axver and Lillian jerked apart, startled. The remains of Axver's spaceship were covered in a gooey pink substance, which just so happened to be a glob of doughnut icing.  
  
"With sprinkles," Jim pointed out.  
  
" !" yelled the camoflauge girl. No, don't worry, they couldn't tell what she said either.  
  
The impact had scared the proverbial snot out of Axver, but he had to impress Lily. "In Australia," he said, "People don't shoot donuts at other people. We're KIND and LOVING." He noticed Jim staring at him, amused. "STOP LOOKING AT ME YOU MORON! I HATE YOU!"  
  
"Love you too, shnookums. Don't be too kind now." Jim patted Axver on the head patronizingly and inspected the doughnut goo.  
  
"Do you KNOW what this means?" he asked. It was semi-hypothetical, and his companions were none too clever, and so no answer was given.  
  
"Do you know what this MEANS?" he tried again.  
  
Nothing.  
  
He peered at camoflauge girl, dragging Lily along with him. "Do YOU know what this means?"  
  
She nodded eagerly.  
  
"REALLY? What?"  
  
" ," she explained, and added "*.*" for good measure.  
  
"Remind me to kill you," Jim muttered, turning away from her idiocy and back to the doughnut bomb.  
  
Suddenly there was a shriek as Lillian pieced together a new plot in her mind. "I KNOW WHAT THIS IS! I used to live in Candyland, in a doughnut casle, because I was the Royal Princess of--"  
  
A glob of doughnut was shoved into her mouth mid-sentence. "Don't...speak," Jim said ominously.  
  
Her eyes blazed angrily, which is a really rad phrase. She spat out the doughnut. "I'm LEAVING!" she snapped, spun on her heel, and began to march away. Half a step later, her bracelet jerked her back. Something inside her preteen brain snapped.  
  
"I HATE YOU!" she sobbed hysterically - to Jim, to the bracelet, to the world at large. "I HATE YOU AND YOU ALL HATE ME! YOU'RE SO MEAN TO ME! I HATE YOU! JERK!" She pseudo-cussed him out, using %&#%* in the manner of 13- year-old children trying to look threatening.  
  
"Do you feel powerful and daring now that you have used a threatening PERCENTAGE SIGN?" he wondered.  
  
She wailed and began kicking and hitting the ground, crying and screaming. Her shrieks, Jim noted with some interest, sounded exactly like he'd suspected a cat would sound while sticking a fork in an electric socket with its tail caught in a blender. Not that he thought about it often, but upon hearing her shout, it was the first comparison that came to mind.  
  
Still consumed with rage, Lillian reached for her bracelet with her free hand and yanked it off.  
  
"I really should have thought of that," Jim said in awe.  
  
"I HATE YOU!" she screamed again for good measure, and, still shrieking, took off into the forest.  
  
As her cries faded, an awkward silence overtook the group. It was a logical series of events, truly.  
  
"How DARE you!" the one called Axver attempted to glare intimidatingly at Jim. "You made her CRY! NO ONE makes my friends cry!"  
  
"But I did!" he realized, rather proud of the accomplishment.  
  
"You deserve to DIE PAINFULLY for that!" the boy ranted, his face turning an interesting shade of red. "You are worthless scum, you have no human decency, you--"  
  
"Want you to shut up?"  
  
" ," the invisible one muttered, and added a scathing, "*.*!" to the end.  
  
"NO!" Axver screeched. "YOU--"  
  
At that moment, another glob of icing was fired. It hit Axver square in the face. He wobbled comically for a moment, and then toppled over. 


	5. Delving Into the Dangerous Mind of the P...

Chapter Five - Delving Into the Dangerous Mind of the Petulant Lying One  
  
Lillian stumbled blindly through the forest, tears spilling from her eyes. She angrily rubbed them away, and upon doing so realized that her mascara would be smudged beyond repair. This revelation made her cry even harder.  
  
She gasped, drawing in a shuddering breath. "Now...I'll look...all...ugleeeeeeee," she moaned to the air, and collapsed in a heap on the ground. "And Axver won't like me anymooooore..." She coughed, choked, and gasped, great heaving sobs. Utterly broken and miserable, she curled up into a ball under a tree, and continued her sniveling about her pathetic love life. "He'll...like...Pri...Pri...Princeee-e-e- esss....an...an' not MEE-EEE-EEE!" she moaned, imagining her beloved with the silent *.* girl.  
  
Lillian remained under the tree for an indefinite amount of time, coming to her senses (or lack thereof) only when it began to grow dark. Lillian didn't like the dark. She didn't like the dark at all, especially when it was dark that approached when she was alone and lost in the forest. It made her think of creepy things. Creepy things, like Nicolae. Because, you see, she just KNEW the Left Behind books were real, and not fiction.  
  
She shuddered as she felt the Presence of Something Scary and Very Evil. She wanted her Axver to hold her, to protect her, to assure her that all would be okay...  
  
The Presence of Something Scary and Very Evil rustled a leaf behind her. Lily screamed, a grating, high pitched noise not unlike a metal spork being scraped along a chalkboard for approximately 4.35 miles. She took off running in the first direction she saw, which unfortunately led her right into a tree. Knocked unconscious, Lillian collapsed to the ground.  
  
A small squirrel curiously approached and sniffed at her, and, obviously repulsed, turned and scampered away.  
  
Lillian awoke a short time later, feeling as though something were amiss. Looking down at her right hand, she noticed it. She gasped in horror.  
  
"No..." she breathed. "NOOOOOOOOOO! I BROKE A NA-A-AIL!"  
  
Again the crying started. 


	6. Skip and Mike Want Me To Make Fun of The...

Chapter Six - Skip and Mike Are Jealous and Want Me to Make Fun of Them  
  
"SO?" Axver YELLED annoyingly. He was slowly flicking sprinkles off the spaceship, complaining the entire time and muttering things like, "In AUSTRALIA..."  
  
"No, okay? NO. I can't try and fix your bloody spaceship until you clean the doughnut crud off," Jim retorted, trying to ignore the wailing coming from the east. It was impossible to do so. "Can't you make her SHUT UP?" he exclaimed. "She seems to be pretty impressed with you."  
  
"Well, of course," Axver said, taken aback. "Why wouldn't she be?"  
  
"Of course she would be!" It was an unfamiliar voice, and Jim realized with shock that it came from the camoflauged girl - "Princess."  
  
"She SPEAKS!" he gasped.  
  
Princess turned to Jim and glared. " ," she said.  
  
"Oh, I hate you."  
  
"See," Axver proclaimed, "You're mean and hateful. You shouldn't be hateful. I hate you." Proud of his announcement and enjoying it, he decided to add, "I'm writing a book, you know."  
  
"No. You don't say."  
  
Princess bounced over to Axver and smiled a sickeningly sweet smile. "Reeeeally? Oh, Axver! I bet you're a WONDERFUL author!" She giggled and added, "*.*!"  
  
Axver blushed, or he would have, had it not been far too humble. "Yes, I know I am," he said. "I'm better than Shakespeare, even. He wasn't very good, you know. I was bored with his writing when I was three."  
  
"That old, eh?" Jim raised an eyebrow. "What, were you in the remedial reading class?"  
  
"I'll admit I was a bit slow when it came to comprehending Shakespeare," Axver countered cooly. "I don't suppose you can do any better?"  
  
Jim grinned. "Probably not. I just thought I might write a book. Have you ever thought about doing that?"  
  
Axver glowered, as many people in this story were prone to do, and returned to cleaning the doughnut goo off of the ship.  
  
Suddenly a RAY OF LIGHT shot down from the sky, originating from a Really Big Spaceship Thing. Cough, cough. No pun intended. After shouting a good number of insults at both Jim Hawkins and the general population of the galaxy, the Really Big Spaceship Thing lowered itself to the ground. A Really Big Door on the Really Big Spaceship Thing opened, and in the dramatic fog and smoke and mist that surrounded the door, a shadowy figure could be seen.  
  
"Baaaa," it said.  
  
The author is envisioning a commercial break here, for some reason.  
  
"Trust your instincts," Obi-Wan said.  
  
Okay then...  
  
[dramatic music]  
  
Having trouble sleeping?  
  
Stricken about that test grade?  
  
Guild-ridden over your latest water flea murder? [/dramatic music]  
  
[peppy music]  
  
We can help! *two people dressed in solid, neon colors sprint onstage*  
  
This can, this can, this can HERE can help you. The contents are nicely irrelevant, but the CAN . whoa. You know the airplane?  
  
Nothing.  
  
A bug. A water flea, in fact.  
  
Consider it crushed. THE CAN is the solution.  
  
[music swells]  
  
Just CALL NOW and order your own, personal, specially personalized, unique CAN. Available for the LOW price of $7.89 in 587 easy installments. The can will be specially shipped to the deserted island near you.  
  
CALL NOW!!  
  
[/End commercial]  
We return to the characters two seconds before we left them, in a dramatic repetition of the sheep scene.  
  
As Jim, Axver, and Princess stared, the sheep trotted down from the spaceship, followed by two people who, as was evidenced by their costumes, were obviously Evil Pirates. The blond one wore a penguin ducttaped to her shoulder at a precarious angle. The dark haired girl wore a patch over her eye and was saying, "ARRR!" emphatically to trees, blades of grass, and everything she saw.  
  
The sheep trotted over to the confused threesome.  
  
"BAAA!" it said.  
  
"Sheep," Jim observed.  
  
" !" Princess cried.  
  
"Australian sheep are better," Axver muttered.  
  
"Mike," the blond girl said after the "arr-ing" went on for a considerable amount of time. "You shipoop just say that to everything you see."  
  
"Skip," the girl named Mike said, as if talking to a small child. "The word is CAN'T. And yes, I can. I am a PIRATE. It is what I DO."  
  
"R FACTOR! R FACTOR! R FACTOR!" A horde of overzealous Elms fangirls raced into the scene, with murder blazing in their eyes and Sharpies in hand. They were always prepared. The first one jumped on Mike's shoulders and began hitting her in the head.  
  
"OW! OW! OW! GRR! Get off me!"  
  
"R FACTOR!" the cry began again, as the crowd reveled in the stolen concept. They could not, of course, create a joke for themselves.  
  
"No," Skip argued. "That was NOT R factor. The word 'grr' ENDS in R! You shipoop call it --"  
  
"It's CAN'T, Skip. CAN'T. FANGIRLS! GET OFF OF ME! I have VERY IMPORTANT RESEARCH TO DO!"  
  
They didn't listen, and continued attacking poor Mike with Sharpies, cameras, and posters.  
  
Jim Hawkins was watching this exchange in horror, and realizing that the fangirls bore an uncanny resemblance to Princess. No one should suffer in such a manner.  
  
"LOOK! IT'S THOM!" he shouted suddenly, and pointed into the spaceship the Evil Pirates had vacated. A chorus of piercing screams arose, and the girls stampeded into the ship. Skip and Mike quickly slammed the door shut.  
  
"That," Skip gasped, "was horrible. Don't ever make us go through that again." She glared at the author. "I don't think we should be in this story, Mike...Mike?"  
  
Mike was on her hands and knees on the ground, staring into the grass. ("We have BETTER grass in Australia!" Axver said). Princess sighed with teenybopper disgust. Skip and Jim peered at the ground, trying to understand.  
  
"It's...a new species," Mike breathed. She pointed in awe at a small snail.  
  
"You've never seen a snal before?" Skip said flatly.  
  
"What's a snal?" Jim whispered.  
  
"SMAIL! Er, SNAIL! Don't mock my typing!" Skip glowered, because it was The Thing To Do.  
  
Mike gazed at the snail in wonder. "This is a rare species of snail that I have never seen before. EVER. Why, it's a new species of snail! I have devoted my life to studying the genetics of snails, which are, I might add, extremely fascinating. Why, did you know -"  
  
They stared, waiting.  
  
"I have to pee!" Mike announced cheerfully.  
  
Silence.  
  
"What...about the snails?" Jim asked slowly, confused.  
  
"Oh, they're fascinating." She nodded.  
  
"Are you going to tell us why?" he prompted.  
  
"No," she said simply, content with this. "I have to pee. Do you?"  
  
"Uh, no."  
  
"Skip, do you?"  
  
"Mike, this isn't Lori Wick. We don't have to use the restroom every five minutes, you know." Skip looked proudly at her last sentence, pleased every word had come out exactly right and without typo.  
  
"I know we don't. Except I need to. And want to. Because it's FUN! Like the Hallmark card. Don't you think?"  
  
"Australian cards are better," Axver sniffed haughtily. "So are Australian bathrooms."  
  
" !" Princess said.  
  
"ALL bathrooms are fun," Mike insisted, as if she had discovered the meaning of life and was now able to explain it to everyone. "How could you think otherwise?"  
  
"Because I'm BETTER than you, you stupid American!" he shouted. The penguin on Skip's shoulder toppled over.  
  
"HEY!" she cried indignantly. "You made my pinguin fall down!"  
  
Mike giggled. "Your what?"  
  
"My pinguin! My pet pinguin!"  
  
"Your WHAT?" Jim asked, enthralled.  
  
"THE PINGUIN THAT WAS SITTING ON MY SHOULDER!" she yelled in frustration. "The black and white Arctic bird that was --"  
  
"The PENGUIN?!" Mike and Jim exclaimed at the same time, still staring at her, amazed.  
  
Skip blinked. "That's what I said. The pinguin."  
  
Mike giggled. "That's SO CUTE! The 'ping'uin!" She grinned at Skip endearingly for a moment, and suddenly exclaimed, "Okay, I have to pee!" and ran off.  
  
"Does she always vanish so...suddenly?" Jim wondered, as Mike had been standing beside him partaking in the conversation a split second before.  
  
"Be lucky you've seen her at all," Skip said wisely. 


End file.
